Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
Homer: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.
Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…
Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…
Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.
Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
Homer: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.
Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?
Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!